Unplanning Worry
I’ve always been a worrier. I worry about how something could go wrong now, an hour later, one day later and even 10 years years later. To address with that pervading sense of worry, occasional sense of dread and moments of paralysing fear, I plan, I draw lists, I prepare for multiple scenarios.
Growing up as a student in Singapore, this trait supported my academic pursuits perfectly. If the exam covered 10 chapters, I would prepare by reading 12 chapters. While not perfect, this approach sustained me through life. But there is a flip side to everything. The outward facade of steady control barely contains a bubbling cauldron of anxiety and self doubt.
When I turned 40, I decided things had to change. I got a small tattoo showing a sun sun rising out of the water with water dripping off it. To me it signifies two things, the sun will rise again tomorrow, don’t sweat the small stuff.
Six years on, I think I’m starting to live the purpose of the tattoo. I still worry and I still plan, a lot. But those emotions and actions do not constraint me as much. I’m more comfortable with ambiguity and more importantly, I am more aware of myself and catch myself as I start to spiral. This self awareness is still in its infancy but I’m building it up piece by piece, step by step.
This developing mentality was put to the test recently when I was running behind schedule. A few things did not go to plan in the morning and I was going to arrive at work in town later than planed. As events unfolded, I had a moment of clarity and self awareness, I could stress about the situation or I could simply accept it. I chose the later. Once I accepted the situation I was in, a weight I was subconsciously bearing fell of my shoulders. It opened me up to grab a photography opportunity in front of me. The rare moments of early spring sun in the city was too hard to pass by. Sun in Auckland is impossible to plan for.
The penultimate shot of the morning is my favourite
